You did what I warned you of
You buried yourself in my mind
You spread your ashes over my heart
You think this has caused you to be erased in my mind
Little untold I will now think of why you did this
For hundreds of hours on end
You will consume my mind
In wonderment of this self-destruction
You promised would not arise
You did as those you had hated in my past.
Ill stay awake so you can rest
I’ll listen so you can sleep well
as the thought of your words marinate in my mind
I’ll toss and turn in bed
till I can formulate a solid conclusion of what was said
sunrise birds cry
these words still toss inside
—-Sleep well tonight—-
Be graceful with the intelligence God has given you
be swift with wisdom
and understanding with the passion all bestowed upon your heart
let the path guide you
as you stumble and are weak
let the calling lift you up
let your passion illuminate your joy
let the flame grow in the wind
for a candle can set fire to a field and can only grow with the wind of opposition.
those who have opposed you cause you more growth than those who watch as a passion consumes a heart.
I swam out to the ocean
with you by my side
Getting deeper and deeperI did not recognize
you had pulled me back
back to the shallows
I am so perplexed by this emotion that fills me
I have no outlet to express it
I am so paralyzed by the feelings
that flood my mind
but no room to show it
I am so dazed by everything around me
there is no room for anything else
at one point in time
I had peace of mind
I was free to fly
but the weight of my heart keeps me grounded
As the black veil in my mind
I choose to hide
what I have always seen
3 years and counting
this story has not changed
Ridden with a depth
that always tunnels deeper
my mind is consumed
I cannot sleep and need someone to talk to. (4:22am March 26th, 2018)
the past 3 months have twisted me so bad, moving challenges, losing family, lost my family dog… But that’s not all.
My mom has stage 4 Breast Cancer and is coming up on 5 years of battling. She told me yesterday, my dad has been diagnosed with Heart Disease and is not doing to well. He had an acute infection that was treated with steroids and caused a cascade of problems including blindness. As the conversation continues, my mom says “I am not sure if I can battle any longer, I am tired, and feel life slipping through my palms.”
I cannot lose anything more, for so much has already changed and been lost.
Please excuse my lack of posts, while I battle this battle. If you believe in God, or positive vibes, or just thoughts, please keep my family and my self with you.
Sometimes life happens…
People get older…
People pass away…
And we cannot do anything about it…
All we can do is watch it unfold
In front of our delicate eyes.
Watching the strength of family collapse around us.
I get lost in the soot of what has fallen
causing a struggle that has left me gasping for air.
Unable to catch my breath from this constant fast pace change
I have found myself sitting here…
Holding onto what I find dear…
As I let the soot rob my oxygen filled lungs
All my passions and motivations have escaped
my mind with the fleeting oxygen.
Watching everything change
Just as fall changes the leaves of the trees
Winter comes and freezes what we think is gone.
As the frozen ground cracks beneath my feet.
I gaze into the empty forest
Covered in snow and ice.
Looking at the skeleton structure of life.
Tints of blue and fallen trees
Fill my eyes.
As the tears start to fall
All I can hope for is a break in the silence.
I am waiting for spring
In hopes that spring will show me what is new
And will bloom some ease amidst the pain
The clicking sound my watch is making
Is driving me crazy.
My hands are shaking
And my vision is hazy
This clicking is causing painful anxiety
When will it all end
I cant help but think about my sobriety
Why did I stop drinking and decide it needed to end
I can feel to much
Falling to fast
I was the water
As you walked on this shelf of ice
Below was a depth you would not feel
And a current that could heal
But you did not know
You where walking upon a frozen lake
People tell you there is no more empathy to sympathy
There is no symphony playing your life
Because you are now the epitome of the pinnacle of a crescendo
You are so used to hearing the same score from the symphony
they are not playing for your life any more
You have just become frozen in time
At the apathy of life
You are not an effigy
or anything less you see
It hurts me to think that you don’t view what I view
You don’t see what I see
xxx xxx’x xxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xxx xxx xx xx.