vent/poem

I cannot sleep and need someone to talk to. (4:22am  March 26th, 2018)

the past 3 months have twisted me so bad, moving challenges, losing family, lost my family dog… But that’s not all.

My mom has stage 4 Breast Cancer and is coming up on 5 years of battling. She told me yesterday, my dad has been diagnosed with Heart Disease and is not doing to well. He had an acute infection that was treated with steroids and caused a cascade of problems including blindness. As the conversation continues, my mom says “I am not sure if I can battle any longer, I am tired, and feel life slipping through my palms.”

I broke.

I cannot lose anything more, for so much has already changed and been lost.

Please excuse my lack of posts, while I battle this battle. If you believe in God, or positive vibes, or just thoughts, please keep my family and my self with you.

 

Sometimes life happens…

People get older…

People pass away…

And we cannot do anything about it…

All we can do is watch it unfold

In front of our delicate eyes.




Watching the strength of family collapse around us.

I get lost in the soot of what has fallen

causing a struggle that has left me gasping for air.

Unable to catch my breath from this constant fast pace change

I have found myself sitting here…

Holding onto what I find dear…

As I let the soot rob my oxygen filled lungs

All my passions and motivations have escaped

my mind with the fleeting oxygen.




Watching everything change

Just as fall changes the leaves of the trees

Winter comes and freezes what we think is gone.

As the frozen ground cracks beneath my feet.

I gaze into the empty forest

Covered in snow and ice.

Looking at the skeleton structure of life.

Tints of blue and fallen trees

Fill my eyes.

As the tears start to fall

All I can hope for is a break in the silence.




I am waiting for spring

In hopes that spring will show me what is new

And will bloom some ease amidst the pain

Sober

The clicking sound my watch is making

Is driving me crazy.

My hands are shaking

And my vision is hazy

This clicking is causing painful anxiety

When will it all end

I cant help but think about my sobriety

Why did I stop drinking and decide it needed to end

I can feel to much

Falling to fast

_MG_1379

In Debt

With the amount of broken hearts, I have had

I am surprised there is still more to give

Even when I feel there is nothing left at all

I give this piece to you, please do not break it

Because every piece I give is one less piece I have

I am not sure how much more I have left to give

My Answer

Excuse me miss
I have tripped over this string
Wrapped around your foot
As I kneel to untangle your feet
I unwrap the tangled mess you are caught in
As I rise to my feet
You smile and walk away
You looked back at me
Silenced in time
That look
Those blue eyes
The way your lips
Formed the words you voiced
The smile that came across your face as you looked at me
You looked down to see this string I was holding
you began to walk away
I did not want to drop this string
That hung from your chest
Excuse me miss…
You forgot this…
I stop in my track and noticed it is more than a string
What ever it is, it is covered in hardened concrete and dirt
It is a piece of her she does not want near
As the sunlight catches this clump
I notice a glistening red piece of glass below the layers
Trying to uncover what I have found
A gentle tug to the string was found
I look ahead and see you looking back at me
I begin to follow you
I try to see your dreams
The more I follow the more the fog rolls in
I am trying to uncover what is in my hands
I am trying to watch you walk
Because the way I see you walk
Is mesmerizing,
You know exactly where you want to go
But have no idea how to get to where it is
You need to go
I have caught your eye once more
Standing by your side
You look over a cliff into the oceans
The ocean was a magnificent blue
Only to be the same color as your eyes
I had slipped off the edge of this cliff
Stumbling through the air into the blue
I clutch the string attached trinket in my hand
I kept falling but never hit the water
Never hit the rocks
Suspended in time
I focus on all that is around me
I can see your story written in the stream of rain
Falling by my face
As I am suspended in this fog
I notice you holding my hand
And laying right beside me
One hand holding me
The other hand strung across my chest
Your head tucked into my shoulder
You create an unspeakable peace in my heart
The falling sensation has grown
In my heart
Am I falling or has the world lost the concept of time?
This is where my clarity came in
As you untangled the string in my hand
And took the trinket covered in hardened concrete
I notice the bullets falling from the center of this trinket
I catch one seeing a name etched into the projectile
I cannot make it out
for it bares to many scratches and marks
Gold plated and beautiful
I cannot seem to uncover this mystery
You unwrap this mystery with ease
I see a glimpse of the red glass that had captured the sunshine
You try to hide it in your hand as you slip it into your pocket
No words just silence
As I stare into you
I have so many questions in my mind
As I lie suspended with you in this fog
With streams of rain writing a story
I see the scars on your hip….
They fascinate me
They draw me in and make me want to
Know more
The darkness in your eyes screams for me
To hold you close
The blood that drips down your hands
Catch my eye
Trembling at the sound of a heart beat
I want to pull you in
As I saw all your pain
I felt something stirring in my heart
I felt something being created
I wish I could share this feeling
Or formulate a conclusive sentence of what it all means
As the fog rolls away
I can see patches of sky
I can see what is around me
Gently set me down
In the fog ridden field
I begin to see
My skies became darker
As I gave her my stars
But all I knew was
She was lighting up my night
She was brighter than my stars
She illuminated my nights
Seeing your bullet filled heart
I want to share
The pain I have felt
In hopes you would never feel alone
I want to tell you the parts of my heart
No one has known
I want to show you the
Lacerations of love gone bad
I want you to see
The scars of lost time
And the emotions of an uncontrollable mind
Your darkness is filled with color
And the shimmering tears on your cheek
Allure my heart
Even the darkest nights
Have the brightest lights
As we fell into the field
Under her night sky she rolled over and looked into my eyes
The deep blues that would look at me
Held so much pain
But every time I caught her gaze
My chest became tight
As if chains had stricken me
Frozen lungs and longing looks
The way I see her
is a way no one has seen her before
The grave of pain on her hip
Was the most beautiful tombstone
I had ever seen
I would not have her any other way
Running my hands across her scars
I cannot stop
I just want to lie here all night with you
Darling let me hold you close
Let me kiss the marks
That had at one point traced your body
Let me place an aptitude of love upon your scars
Let’s play roulette with a book of poems
And see what it tells us
Let’s entrust our lives to sayings of words
That have covered our bodies
Pain in your hands
Pain in your mind
Oh, darling I assure you this will all
Fade in time
Don’t let go of me
Don’t leave me behind
I want to bring you through the ashes of demise
I just want to be by your side
I have walked this path
And it is all familiar
I know I cannot save you from this fall
But I know I can be there when you call
Your deep and powerful mind
Has me lost in time
I cannot seem to comprehend what I have found
All I know is you’re a mystery worth solving
No matter the time

《Closed off》

To be honest I am a lot more heart broken than I thought.

I opened up more than I thought.

I dreamed a lot more than I though.

I truly felt A LOT more than I thought.

We were never together,

But now we are both alone.

-The sincerest

. . .

She was putting stars in my soul

With her tender words

My mind could not withhold

All the emotion I had felt…

-the sincerest

HIM AND HER

He loved, she loved what she never had.

Let me tell you a story.

Paint your own picture as you will

view this story as you see fit.

I just hope this makes someone feel.

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(Him) It is not simply enough for you to be there for me, I need you to love me too.

(Her) …

(Him) You’re used to running so much that once something is right in front of you, you don’t notice it. because you think it is going to hurt you like everything else has in life. You do not let enough time pass with something new to know if it will or if it will not. It is not simply getting into a relationship with someone and then leaving because you think things are not working or are not going to be how you imagined. How do you know they will not be the way you have imagined? The possibility does not even exist when you give up on something so soon.

(Her) …

(Him) All my life I have been the one to pour out everything into relationships showing my utmost loyalty and respect, trying to be what I can be and do what I can do to keep the one I admire in my life. But in the end, someone always walks away. And I always have the same question of why. Why is that the ones we love and want to be with end up leaving, and never coming back around? All I ask is that you stay, and we can both work through this and be each other’s strength. A strength I Have not experienced. I have always been afraid to say this or say what is on my mind. But then I met you, no fear in my mind or heart about you. So, I have built this courage to say what I have always wanted to say to someone, maybe it is not courage. maybe it is the fact that you are the person I am to be with, and me saying all of this finally makes sense. Because if I would have said this to someone else I would not have met you, I would have never found this courage to speak my hearts mind.

 

*Girl runs back to him hugging him, she is crying and he is in shock that it worked. *

*Girl lets go of him, looks into his eyes, and turns around to walk away. *

*He stands frozen in time, not able to grab for her hand as she walks away. *

(him) All I wanted to do was to grab her hand and not let her go, but as soon as she turned her back she took my courage with her.

(her) He was broken and hurt, understanding and respectful, but I could never bring myself to introduce him into the hell I live in, he does not deserve that. And I would never want to hurt him years down the road.

(Someone else) But he was willing to understand and wanting to understand you, he was the first person that listened to you and cared for the smallest aspects of your life.

(her) yes

(someone else) so you just left when you felt your heart beat for him, knowing he was everything you wanted

(her) *thoughtful look, as she carries on with her hobby that he had supported.  *

*knock*

You use to answer the door within 10 seconds of me knocking. You answered with excitment, a gorgeous smile, and a kiss.

Now it takes you 3 minutes to walk across your 500 sqft appartment, and greet me. By the time the door is opened your back is turned heading the opposite direction.

This is when I noticed I was no longer part of your life.

– The Loyal One

Reset

Please connect iPhone to iTunes
<
<
>Please choose a date you'd like to restore from.<

-----November 1, 2014 6:34 PM Western time-----
-----March 15, 2016 9:47 PM Mountain time-----*****Reset*****

November 1st 6:34pm —- 7 minutes before I met you. How do I remember this? Because I was sitting on the beach in Santa Monica with some friends watching the sun set, waiting for you.

March 15th 9:47pm —- This is the moment you asked if you could go to LA for a week, to visit a family you use to work with.

In November little did I know I would fall madly in love with you.

In March little did I know you would fly away to visit a foster family that had held a special place in your heart, and a guy from your past.

If I could go back, what date would I chose to reset? November a day where I could just walk away. Or March the day I could have said no, I have something planned for us this week.

Instead I will let it play out, I knew you had been wanting to see the foster family you had worked with, so I will slip the engagement ring back in to my pocket, and wait for your return. . .

-*-*-*-*November 5th, 2016. 9:01PM-*-*-*-*
Folded blue jeans that hold a secret, a secret never found.

*