I swam out to the ocean with you by my side Getting deeper and deeperI did not recognize you had pulled me back back to the shallows
I cannot sleep and need someone to talk to. (4:22am March 26th, 2018)
the past 3 months have twisted me so bad, moving challenges, losing family, lost my family dog… But that’s not all.
My mom has stage 4 Breast Cancer and is coming up on 5 years of battling. She told me yesterday, my dad has been diagnosed with Heart Disease and is not doing to well. He had an acute infection that was treated with steroids and caused a cascade of problems including blindness. As the conversation continues, my mom says “I am not sure if I can battle any longer, I am tired, and feel life slipping through my palms.”
I cannot lose anything more, for so much has already changed and been lost.
Please excuse my lack of posts, while I battle this battle. If you believe in God, or positive vibes, or just thoughts, please keep my family and my self with you.
Sometimes life happens… People get older… People pass away… And we cannot do anything about it… All we can do is watch it unfold In front of our delicate eyes. Watching the strength of family collapse around us. I get lost in the soot of what has fallen causing a struggle that has left me gasping for air. Unable to catch my breath from this constant fast pace change I have found myself sitting here… Holding onto what I find dear… As I let the soot rob my oxygen filled lungs All my passions and motivations have escaped my mind with the fleeting oxygen. Watching everything change Just as fall changes the leaves of the trees Winter comes and freezes what we think is gone. As the frozen ground cracks beneath my feet. I gaze into the empty forest Covered in snow and ice. Looking at the skeleton structure of life. Tints of blue and fallen trees Fill my eyes. As the tears start to fall All I can hope for is a break in the silence. I am waiting for spring In hopes that spring will show me what is new And will bloom some ease amidst the pain
To be honest I am a lot more heart broken than I thought.
I opened up more than I thought.
I dreamed a lot more than I though.
I truly felt A LOT more than I thought.
We were never together,
But now we are both alone.
Tangled you stumble
How are you able to survive the life you have been given When your heart hangs from a string. Tangled around your feet you stumble. But you seem so very humble. What has caused the passion for the pain around you? Let me fill that dark void with the stars from my sky. Maybe the light will guide you and illuminate the hanging arteries in your chest. This is where you heart lie, And here is the piece of you I find.
This word is just as confusing as the meaning it self, scratch that. . . This word is just as confusing as my past interpretation of love.
I have recently found out some things about my past relationship I did not want to know. Things I have had to come to reality and conclusions with. If I let the battle of heart and mind taint my blood anymore it would surely cause septic shock leading to the demise of my heart. I felt something today, something I never felt from this person I once called ‘the love of my life’.
A stranger has stumbled into my life and has shown me more sincerity than that of which was expressed by you. Someone I barely know, someone who knows my full name, and where I work. That is all this person knows about me.
Today she gently rested her hand on my face just looking into my eyes. her deep blue eyes had been filled with peace. The feeling and trembling fear that was brought to me was something I can not explain. It was a feeling that my mind had fabricated but never felt. Not even in the slightest of ways in my toxic relationship. It was not a feeling of fear as we know it, if anything all fear was gone. It was as if the gentle hand with purple nail polish was delivering a gift of compassion into my life. Compassion of which I have never felt or experienced.
I am not ready for a relationship for I am still terrified of people wanting to get close, but this small meaningless touch on her end was perfect.
All I know about this girl is her full name, where she works, and the sincerity in her heart with a small touch.
The way your lips fall shut against your white teeth, speak louder than your words. Watching your eyes sink down into despair, I see something I haven’t seen before. I can see behind your walls. It’s as if I am a little kid peering over the neighbors fence. As I stand on top of sketchy structure built with the toys I could find in my yard.
I know that I can only make this climb once and as I make it I understand that everything below me will collapse. But to me it will be worth it, worth it in this past moment. But that is the past moment. What about this present moment? As I look back I wonder why I risked it all for such a small glimpse. If I am to build a structure again I’d build it tall enough to pull my self over the wall and into your life. For once I break those walls, I should never cause them to be rebuilt. But that’s exactly it. I though I was peering over the fence, when in reality I was looking through the cracks of life. As you continued to reinforce your thoughts. You never seemed to trust me enough to let me in. I erased every woman from my life and never talked to any woman but you. Because I wanted to show you I was trustworthy.
I never gave you a reason to not trust me. I took really good care of you, never hurt you, never abused you, never left you, always comforted and provided everything you could ever want. You never gave me a reason why you left. Maybe me doing everything you asked was getting old. Or was it maybe because the amount of love that I showed you scared you. And you knew you could not repay it (even though you never needed to)? Or because you allowed someone behind your wall as I was doing everything to get through to you. Someone you liked before me… Which now leads to the question; why did you settle with me for two years? Everything was better than ever till you reappeared in his life.
My city never sleeps! Unfinished skyscrapers that wait for a blaze to take them away. What a waste of space. Towering giants alone in the city, naked and hollow.. yet this cataclysmic building stands above all others. Could have been gorgeous and vibrant, but now it stands a lifeless shell that is to never become more than a lifeless Skelton in the world’s closet.