The sayings that slip my lips are released with minimal formulation, tossing me into a whirlwind of confussion and frustration.
As I said a phrase I did not understand the power it had held till hours later.
My words are not simply words that affect me. But they are words that formulate conclusions upon my head by others around.
I always ran when conclusion about who I am had become relevant. But what I didn’t recognize was the conclusion of my personality, designed by my words placed into someone else’s mind.
A mind with more clarity and substance than that of a fog ridden intolerable mess. What seems clear to me and makes sense in my mind. Is utter chaos in the one I have drug down with me?
2143hrs; 8.4657° N, 13.2317° W
Laying on top of a white Land Rover Defender, beneath natures canvas.
This is what has struck my passion for travel and discovery. In this moment I recognize home is not state side. Home to me, is a word that has little to no meaning. My family will always be with me in my heart and soul, but my body will never have a continuous place to lay. For I enjoy exploring and not knowing what is around the corner.
This incredible night is a night I will never forget. Feeling the cool breeze drift across the ocean, and the heat trying to escape the city. It was an interesting feeling when the air clashed above my restless chest. Watching the stars perform a well thought out dance, you could smell a nearby fire in one of the small villages outside the city.
The emotion, smell, sight, and memory will fade but never be forgotten. This memory is what sparked my curiosity. My curiosity for what lies around the next corner, my curiosity for languages I do not understand, cities I do not know and food I probably should not even test my life with. But this all drives me to understand. . .
The way your lips fall shut against your white teeth, speak louder than your words. Watching your eyes sink down into despair, I see something I haven’t seen before. I can see behind your walls. It’s as if I am a little kid peering over the neighbors fence. As I stand on top of sketchy structure built with the toys I could find in my yard.
I know that I can only make this climb once and as I make it I understand that everything below me will collapse. But to me it will be worth it, worth it in this past moment. But that is the past moment. What about this present moment? As I look back I wonder why I risked it all for such a small glimpse. If I am to build a structure again I’d build it tall enough to pull my self over the wall and into your life. For once I break those walls, I should never cause them to be rebuilt. But that’s exactly it. I though I was peering over the fence, when in reality I was looking through the cracks of life. As you continued to reinforce your thoughts. You never seemed to trust me enough to let me in. I erased every woman from my life and never talked to any woman but you. Because I wanted to show you I was trustworthy.
I never gave you a reason to not trust me. I took really good care of you, never hurt you, never abused you, never left you, always comforted and provided everything you could ever want. You never gave me a reason why you left. Maybe me doing everything you asked was getting old. Or was it maybe because the amount of love that I showed you scared you. And you knew you could not repay it (even though you never needed to)? Or because you allowed someone behind your wall as I was doing everything to get through to you. Someone you liked before me… Which now leads to the question; why did you settle with me for two years? Everything was better than ever till you reappeared in his life.
She has never spoken badly about me to anyone since she left. I was hurt and don’t mean to speak badly about her, because I still love her. I shoulder all the blame so she won’t feel worthless. I am willing to take the burns so she is happy. After all I am the man. I got kicked out of college when they were going to kick her out. Because I begged for them to let her stay. That was the start of our relationship, so it’s only right I continue this way. For I don’t want her to feel hurt as I hurt.
To answer the age-old question “whose fault was it?” it was no ones. She got bored and left. That’s no ones fault in particular. But being the man I bare the burden. For work became stressful and consumed my life for two months. I was exhausted, had no energy, no time, no money, lost my appetite for quiet a bit in this time. But always reassured her of my love, and was always there to comfort and support no matter what. Two years three months, it all ended. . . She is happy, that’s all I care for, even though another kisses her goodnight, she is happy….
“I love you to the moon and back” is the most painful type of love one can express. Why is that? Because the outer limits of nothingness between us and the moon will test your strengths. The space will consume you and tear your body apart. So therefore I love you to the moon and back. I am willing to be bloated from the mass quantities of nitrogen, and am willing to lose my breath in the absence of oxygen. As all my organs shut down my heart will still beat. I am willing to starve my brain just to show you love. And once I touch down on the moon and am revived, I will spring back to you to complete my journey of Love. To be honest I won’t make it back alive for entering your atmosphere fire will consume me. But at least you know I attempted to show you love.
We love to the moon and back, but always fail. Because we assume enough is never enough.
signed “the over thinker”
I use to call you my ocean, primarily because it was your name. But realistically you shared the characteristic. Vast, silent, deadly, gorgeous, mysterious, deep, intriguing, captivating, ferocious, breathtaking, dark, bright, clear, emotional yet powerful. One of the only things I have ever called breathtaking. Sure lots have sailed the ocean and viewed the ocean. But non have been as lucky as I. To be covered but never drowned, captive but never afraid, held but never crushed this is why I call you my ocean. So many shipwrecks I do not know of, but I will search them out… To know my mysterious Sea… At first you hit me like a 20 foot long wave that was 10 feet tall. 410 tons of force crash upon me. But now all 1.37 billion cubic feet of the ocean has crashed down upon me and claimed me as a victim. There is no wreckage or ship to be found. For I was a swimmer lost at sea, comforted by the whispers of the sirens, and rocked to sleep by the waves. I did not want to go back to shore. Here I now lay pulverized by the sheer weight of what love was, i have been caught in the waterspout of the powerful heart, pushed to the bottom of the ocean and am now the fine sand under your feet scattered across our world…
The story of a boy in the ocean.