Weight

weight

I am so perplexed by this emotion that fills me
I have no outlet to express it
  

I am so paralyzed by the feelings 

that flood my mind 
but no room to show it 
  

I am so dazed by everything around me 
there is no room for anything else 
  

cluttered heart 
cluttered mind  
  

at one point in time 
I had peace of mind 
  
I was free to fly 
but the weight of my heart keeps me grounded 
  

As the black veil in my mind 
I choose to hide 

what I have always seen 

3 years and counting  

this story has not changed 
  

Ridden with a depth 
that always tunnels deeper 

my mind is consumed 
  

no room....  

  

  

 

My Answer

Excuse me miss
I have tripped over this string
Wrapped around your foot
As I kneel to untangle your feet
I unwrap the tangled mess you are caught in
As I rise to my feet
You smile and walk away
You looked back at me
Silenced in time
That look
Those blue eyes
The way your lips
Formed the words you voiced
The smile that came across your face as you looked at me
You looked down to see this string I was holding
you began to walk away
I did not want to drop this string
That hung from your chest
Excuse me miss…
You forgot this…
I stop in my track and noticed it is more than a string
What ever it is, it is covered in hardened concrete and dirt
It is a piece of her she does not want near
As the sunlight catches this clump
I notice a glistening red piece of glass below the layers
Trying to uncover what I have found
A gentle tug to the string was found
I look ahead and see you looking back at me
I begin to follow you
I try to see your dreams
The more I follow the more the fog rolls in
I am trying to uncover what is in my hands
I am trying to watch you walk
Because the way I see you walk
Is mesmerizing,
You know exactly where you want to go
But have no idea how to get to where it is
You need to go
I have caught your eye once more
Standing by your side
You look over a cliff into the oceans
The ocean was a magnificent blue
Only to be the same color as your eyes
I had slipped off the edge of this cliff
Stumbling through the air into the blue
I clutch the string attached trinket in my hand
I kept falling but never hit the water
Never hit the rocks
Suspended in time
I focus on all that is around me
I can see your story written in the stream of rain
Falling by my face
As I am suspended in this fog
I notice you holding my hand
And laying right beside me
One hand holding me
The other hand strung across my chest
Your head tucked into my shoulder
You create an unspeakable peace in my heart
The falling sensation has grown
In my heart
Am I falling or has the world lost the concept of time?
This is where my clarity came in
As you untangled the string in my hand
And took the trinket covered in hardened concrete
I notice the bullets falling from the center of this trinket
I catch one seeing a name etched into the projectile
I cannot make it out
for it bares to many scratches and marks
Gold plated and beautiful
I cannot seem to uncover this mystery
You unwrap this mystery with ease
I see a glimpse of the red glass that had captured the sunshine
You try to hide it in your hand as you slip it into your pocket
No words just silence
As I stare into you
I have so many questions in my mind
As I lie suspended with you in this fog
With streams of rain writing a story
I see the scars on your hip….
They fascinate me
They draw me in and make me want to
Know more
The darkness in your eyes screams for me
To hold you close
The blood that drips down your hands
Catch my eye
Trembling at the sound of a heart beat
I want to pull you in
As I saw all your pain
I felt something stirring in my heart
I felt something being created
I wish I could share this feeling
Or formulate a conclusive sentence of what it all means
As the fog rolls away
I can see patches of sky
I can see what is around me
Gently set me down
In the fog ridden field
I begin to see
My skies became darker
As I gave her my stars
But all I knew was
She was lighting up my night
She was brighter than my stars
She illuminated my nights
Seeing your bullet filled heart
I want to share
The pain I have felt
In hopes you would never feel alone
I want to tell you the parts of my heart
No one has known
I want to show you the
Lacerations of love gone bad
I want you to see
The scars of lost time
And the emotions of an uncontrollable mind
Your darkness is filled with color
And the shimmering tears on your cheek
Allure my heart
Even the darkest nights
Have the brightest lights
As we fell into the field
Under her night sky she rolled over and looked into my eyes
The deep blues that would look at me
Held so much pain
But every time I caught her gaze
My chest became tight
As if chains had stricken me
Frozen lungs and longing looks
The way I see her
is a way no one has seen her before
The grave of pain on her hip
Was the most beautiful tombstone
I had ever seen
I would not have her any other way
Running my hands across her scars
I cannot stop
I just want to lie here all night with you
Darling let me hold you close
Let me kiss the marks
That had at one point traced your body
Let me place an aptitude of love upon your scars
Let’s play roulette with a book of poems
And see what it tells us
Let’s entrust our lives to sayings of words
That have covered our bodies
Pain in your hands
Pain in your mind
Oh, darling I assure you this will all
Fade in time
Don’t let go of me
Don’t leave me behind
I want to bring you through the ashes of demise
I just want to be by your side
I have walked this path
And it is all familiar
I know I cannot save you from this fall
But I know I can be there when you call
Your deep and powerful mind
Has me lost in time
I cannot seem to comprehend what I have found
All I know is you’re a mystery worth solving
No matter the time

{Bridges}

I am obsessed with bridges. They are so beautiful and are placed in the most desolate areas. On my Instagram I once posted a picture of a bridge captioned “Bridges are what connects man’s creation to God wonder”  maybe I enjoy bridges because I know it means moving on and exploring.

Last night I tossed and turned all night. My voice is gone, my throat feels tight from this sickness that rules my body. I was coughing so much I actually lost my breath and could not breath. This happened several times. I lost all energy to move because I knew oxygen was not entering my lungs. As I laid on the floor trying to gain a breath this thought came into my head. I am in this house alone, no one is around. No one stops by to check on me, my parents text me occasionally from states away. But if I die from not being able to get oxygen in my lungs who will know. This sounds dramatic but I assure you it is true.

As the sun rose this morning, my heart grew with courage! I was able to pack your belongings into several boxes load them into my car and drop them off at your moms. As I was driving a flood of memories evicted every thought in my head on how nervous I was to do this.

I remember moving from California to Idaho, chasing you. It was a wonderful chase. The year prior to the move we flew to each other well over a dozen times each. I remember laying in tall grass next to a lake in California looking at the clouds. I remember working on skid row doing some homeless ministry, and this one day you decided to come with me in the pouring rain. Your name is Rain. I remember sitting on a bus coming back from Santa Monica going to the heart of LA Where we shared our first kiss. I remember being the cute couple in the airport as we flew to Canada. Being the sad couple in the airport knowing I wouldn’t see you for 28 days. I remember trying to drive from your mom’s to your dad’s and getting so hopelessly lost on the streets of Idaho. I looked over at you, and you were laughing because you had never seen me lost. I remember our first small apartment.

Building a entertainment center out of pallets in our small 600 sqft home. Me you and our two dogs.

I remember our journeys and travels. Getting lost in a corn mazes. Going to different coffee shops every weekend. Playing tourist in towns we knew, and getting lost in cities we didn’t.
Why am I remembering all of this right now. I am not hurting I am not sad. Instead I have the biggest cheesiest smile on my face driving to drop your stuff off. Because these memories are real… They will always last even though your face and voice may fade.

I know I’ll never hold you or see you again. I’ll never be able to spill my heart, or provide for you again. The last memory I have of you is kissing you goodbye before I left for work. You were all snuggled up in our bed. As my lips left your cheek you smiled and continued to sleep. At that moment I knew you were at peace. I had no idea this would be the last time I saw you. If I did I would have stayed home from work.

I have dropped off remnants of your life at your moms. It was so heartbreaking. But I know I’ll be okay. I do not hate you! I hate that I have to do this. But I can’t hang on when I know he hangs on to you at night. I can’t continue to pay your bills as I feel I am paying for your lifestyle with him. I am not doing this because I hate you. I am doing this because my heart is holding on by a thread. The thread it is hanging on by is the same thread that will be used to suture my mauled heart, if it breaks I may never be the same. So please understand why I am doing this, please don’t hate me for feeling imprisoned in our home. I have taken your responsibilities and pain so that you may be free.

*All images are my own*