Sleep well

Ill stay awake so you can rest

I’ll listen so you can sleep well

 

as the thought of your words marinate in my mind

 

I’ll toss and turn in bed

till I can formulate a solid conclusion of what was said

sunrise birds cry

these words still toss inside

 

—-Sleep well tonight—-

Shallows

I swam out to the ocean 
with you by my side
Getting deeper and deeperI did not recognize

you had pulled me back 
back to the shallows

Weight

weight

I am so perplexed by this emotion that fills me
I have no outlet to express it
  

I am so paralyzed by the feelings 

that flood my mind 
but no room to show it 
  

I am so dazed by everything around me 
there is no room for anything else 
  

cluttered heart 
cluttered mind  
  

at one point in time 
I had peace of mind 
  
I was free to fly 
but the weight of my heart keeps me grounded 
  

As the black veil in my mind 
I choose to hide 

what I have always seen 

3 years and counting  

this story has not changed 
  

Ridden with a depth 
that always tunnels deeper 

my mind is consumed 
  

no room....  

  

  

 

Cupid – VIDEO

Cupid

What was hidden has been found.

I know you will have questions while you read this, well let me tell you, I will answer them as I go.

 She had blues eyes, enjoyed the company of flowers, admired the thought of a heart felt romance.

                                                                She wore a tattered smile in her eyes.

She carried roses on her hip

                                                                She found bullet holes in her heart.

Her fingers dripped with blood.

But What if I said.

Her deep blue eyes held so much pain she could only smile.

The roses on her hip. Marked a grave filled with pain.

The bullet holes are from cupid who traded his bow and arrows for a gun that day.

Her fingers only dripped with blood because she finally found where her pain was coming from.

Her mind overfilled with substance.

All she could do was take on your pain and be strong for you.

You never saw the substance of invisible tears falling down her face.

She never let you see her mind, she only let you see what she wanted you to see.

All you ever saw was a blue eyed blond-haired beauty sitting in front of you.

But something in my heart tells me that you did not even see that.

Her mind was hidden from all to see, because the thoughts that ruled her mind became the darkness she desired.

Her brain was her charm, it had you fooled with that gorgeous smile. But did you ever look into her eyes when she smiled?

It is as if a canvas was being pulled tight against a frame waiting for an artist to paint a masterpiece.

This canvas was stretched one to many times, and when she smiled you could see a corner of what is hidden in her mind.

All the pain pushing against a gorgeous canvas in her eyes.

Did you ever see the grave of her pain, covered in roses.

The roses only decorated the life she found in the pain she had walked through.

Gently run your hands down her hips and you will feel more life in the lines that pulled her skin than you ever will in this world.

This world is a funny place, it lacks a certain amount of pain.

Because she knows pain so she collects the pain of the lonely and takes it on as her own.

Because she never wants to see anyone walk alone.

Her fingers only drip with blood because cupid decided to use something more powerful than an arrow.

Hoping it would only but intensify the meaning of love in the heart of a lover.

Cupid did not miss, he got her right where he wanted her  .

Her heart filled with bullet holes she bled, but she never knew what it was.

Her hand mended your heart and guide your walk.

As blood dripped from her fingers she never paid it much attention.

She gave it all to say the least.

Little did you not know she never believed in cupid.

She had seen to much broken love in her short life.

But she believed in you.

One day she awoke and felt something missing.

Something was hurting and not right.

She felt a call to the void.

As she reached for her chest, her hand felt a gapping hole.

One where her heart use to rest.

Little did she know Cupid was real and he was nothing but a thief with pleasant memories.

She found a little piece of her heart

A piece you left hanging on her rib cage as you so carelessly ripped it out.

She wanted this small heart as far from her as possible.

She took a string and tied it to her wrist, and let it dangle on the thread.

She was already use to her heart hanging by a thread so why not do what is comfortable.

Drug through the dirt, and mud she forgot she had placed it so far.

One night she met a man who wanted to see her heart so bad,

He reached for her chest to see what he could find.

To his demise his hand was searching in an empty space.

He looks up at her with tears in his eyes

A smile in her eyes, she could not feel he was searching for something he could not find.

At that moment he saw her pain.

Living life coasting down a hill that had no end.

You had hurt her so properly not even the universe could fill the void she had.

The universe became jealous of the blackness that was laid in her chest.

How could she lack the existence of life and care so deeply for those around?

She was a miracle, a miracle only he could see.

How are you able to survive the life you have been given

When your heart hangs from the string.

Tangled around your feet you stumble.

But you seem so very humble.

What has caused the passion for the pain around you?

Let me fill that dark void with the stars from my sky.

Maybe the light will guide you and illuminate the hanging arteries in your chest.

This is where you heart lie,

And here is the piece of you I find.

Plexi

sliver in your mind

eraseme

. . . All the cracks in your mind 
led to this place. 

I could never see more than the faint 
outline of swaying trees

behind this plexiglass sliver 
in your mind. . .  

                      - The Sincerest

 

. . .

She was putting stars in my soul

With her tender words

My mind could not withhold

All the emotion I had felt…

-the sincerest

► Exi§tenti▲l

Tangled you stumble

How are you able to survive the life you have been given

When your heart hangs from a string.

Tangled around your feet you stumble.

But you seem so very humble.

What has caused the passion for the pain around you?

Let me fill that dark void with the stars from my sky.

Maybe the light will guide you and illuminate 
the hanging arteries in your chest.

This is where you heart lie,

And here is the piece of you I find.

{Bridges}

I am obsessed with bridges. They are so beautiful and are placed in the most desolate areas. On my Instagram I once posted a picture of a bridge captioned “Bridges are what connects man’s creation to God wonder”  maybe I enjoy bridges because I know it means moving on and exploring.

Last night I tossed and turned all night. My voice is gone, my throat feels tight from this sickness that rules my body. I was coughing so much I actually lost my breath and could not breath. This happened several times. I lost all energy to move because I knew oxygen was not entering my lungs. As I laid on the floor trying to gain a breath this thought came into my head. I am in this house alone, no one is around. No one stops by to check on me, my parents text me occasionally from states away. But if I die from not being able to get oxygen in my lungs who will know. This sounds dramatic but I assure you it is true.

As the sun rose this morning, my heart grew with courage! I was able to pack your belongings into several boxes load them into my car and drop them off at your moms. As I was driving a flood of memories evicted every thought in my head on how nervous I was to do this.

I remember moving from California to Idaho, chasing you. It was a wonderful chase. The year prior to the move we flew to each other well over a dozen times each. I remember laying in tall grass next to a lake in California looking at the clouds. I remember working on skid row doing some homeless ministry, and this one day you decided to come with me in the pouring rain. Your name is Rain. I remember sitting on a bus coming back from Santa Monica going to the heart of LA Where we shared our first kiss. I remember being the cute couple in the airport as we flew to Canada. Being the sad couple in the airport knowing I wouldn’t see you for 28 days. I remember trying to drive from your mom’s to your dad’s and getting so hopelessly lost on the streets of Idaho. I looked over at you, and you were laughing because you had never seen me lost. I remember our first small apartment.

Building a entertainment center out of pallets in our small 600 sqft home. Me you and our two dogs.

I remember our journeys and travels. Getting lost in a corn mazes. Going to different coffee shops every weekend. Playing tourist in towns we knew, and getting lost in cities we didn’t.
Why am I remembering all of this right now. I am not hurting I am not sad. Instead I have the biggest cheesiest smile on my face driving to drop your stuff off. Because these memories are real… They will always last even though your face and voice may fade.

I know I’ll never hold you or see you again. I’ll never be able to spill my heart, or provide for you again. The last memory I have of you is kissing you goodbye before I left for work. You were all snuggled up in our bed. As my lips left your cheek you smiled and continued to sleep. At that moment I knew you were at peace. I had no idea this would be the last time I saw you. If I did I would have stayed home from work.

I have dropped off remnants of your life at your moms. It was so heartbreaking. But I know I’ll be okay. I do not hate you! I hate that I have to do this. But I can’t hang on when I know he hangs on to you at night. I can’t continue to pay your bills as I feel I am paying for your lifestyle with him. I am not doing this because I hate you. I am doing this because my heart is holding on by a thread. The thread it is hanging on by is the same thread that will be used to suture my mauled heart, if it breaks I may never be the same. So please understand why I am doing this, please don’t hate me for feeling imprisoned in our home. I have taken your responsibilities and pain so that you may be free.

*All images are my own*