. . .

She was putting stars in my soul

With her tender words

My mind could not withhold

All the emotion I had felt…

-the sincerest

{Bridges}

I am obsessed with bridges. They are so beautiful and are placed in the most desolate areas. On my Instagram I once posted a picture of a bridge captioned “Bridges are what connects man’s creation to God wonder”  maybe I enjoy bridges because I know it means moving on and exploring.

Last night I tossed and turned all night. My voice is gone, my throat feels tight from this sickness that rules my body. I was coughing so much I actually lost my breath and could not breath. This happened several times. I lost all energy to move because I knew oxygen was not entering my lungs. As I laid on the floor trying to gain a breath this thought came into my head. I am in this house alone, no one is around. No one stops by to check on me, my parents text me occasionally from states away. But if I die from not being able to get oxygen in my lungs who will know. This sounds dramatic but I assure you it is true.

As the sun rose this morning, my heart grew with courage! I was able to pack your belongings into several boxes load them into my car and drop them off at your moms. As I was driving a flood of memories evicted every thought in my head on how nervous I was to do this.

I remember moving from California to Idaho, chasing you. It was a wonderful chase. The year prior to the move we flew to each other well over a dozen times each. I remember laying in tall grass next to a lake in California looking at the clouds. I remember working on skid row doing some homeless ministry, and this one day you decided to come with me in the pouring rain. Your name is Rain. I remember sitting on a bus coming back from Santa Monica going to the heart of LA Where we shared our first kiss. I remember being the cute couple in the airport as we flew to Canada. Being the sad couple in the airport knowing I wouldn’t see you for 28 days. I remember trying to drive from your mom’s to your dad’s and getting so hopelessly lost on the streets of Idaho. I looked over at you, and you were laughing because you had never seen me lost. I remember our first small apartment.

Building a entertainment center out of pallets in our small 600 sqft home. Me you and our two dogs.

I remember our journeys and travels. Getting lost in a corn mazes. Going to different coffee shops every weekend. Playing tourist in towns we knew, and getting lost in cities we didn’t.
Why am I remembering all of this right now. I am not hurting I am not sad. Instead I have the biggest cheesiest smile on my face driving to drop your stuff off. Because these memories are real… They will always last even though your face and voice may fade.

I know I’ll never hold you or see you again. I’ll never be able to spill my heart, or provide for you again. The last memory I have of you is kissing you goodbye before I left for work. You were all snuggled up in our bed. As my lips left your cheek you smiled and continued to sleep. At that moment I knew you were at peace. I had no idea this would be the last time I saw you. If I did I would have stayed home from work.

I have dropped off remnants of your life at your moms. It was so heartbreaking. But I know I’ll be okay. I do not hate you! I hate that I have to do this. But I can’t hang on when I know he hangs on to you at night. I can’t continue to pay your bills as I feel I am paying for your lifestyle with him. I am not doing this because I hate you. I am doing this because my heart is holding on by a thread. The thread it is hanging on by is the same thread that will be used to suture my mauled heart, if it breaks I may never be the same. So please understand why I am doing this, please don’t hate me for feeling imprisoned in our home. I have taken your responsibilities and pain so that you may be free.

*All images are my own*

Sorry.

​please excuse any spelling errors it is late and I typed this on my phone.

The absence of existence is not death… It’s just nothing. The definition of nothing is “having no prospect of progress; of no value.”
Being sorry is a word that is meaningless. It’s a conglomerate of letters that make a word we use flippantly. Yeah ill be honest I use it more than I should. But my definition of sorry is this.. Sorry is a meaningless word that has no value (nothing) till equal and relevant action is bestowed upon it to notice a change needs to be made in order for ‘sorry’ to exist. In simplicity you are not sorry till you recognize the problem and proactively adjust your actions to make sorry a non existent phrase but a powerful action.
This is something I have learned and am still learning. In my past I was always truly sorry but had no clue how to fix sorry. So the word filled the void of where action should be found.
To flow on a similar tangent of anger, when family asks “how are you” you want to open up and spill your heart felt pains. After all they are family. But as you start you see the eyes roll, and attention snagged by the moving car cruising down the highway. After 15 words into your pain you stop, smile and say “sorry, it doesn’t matter, how are you?” That sorry is truly empty and will never be filled because it is truly meaningless. Never have I been able to express more than 15 words of pain from this breakup, before I lose the attention of my audience.
But yet here I stand in a gravel filled parking lot watching you encourage a friend as I sit here completely dead and callous to everything around me.