The way your lips fall shut against your white teeth, speak louder than your words. Watching your eyes sink down into despair, I see something I haven’t seen before. I can see behind your walls. It’s as if I am a little kid peering over the neighbors fence. As I stand on top of sketchy structure built with the toys I could find in my yard.
I know that I can only make this climb once and as I make it I understand that everything below me will collapse. But to me it will be worth it, worth it in this past moment. But that is the past moment. What about this present moment? As I look back I wonder why I risked it all for such a small glimpse. If I am to build a structure again I’d build it tall enough to pull my self over the wall and into your life. For once I break those walls, I should never cause them to be rebuilt. But that’s exactly it. I though I was peering over the fence, when in reality I was looking through the cracks of life. As you continued to reinforce your thoughts. You never seemed to trust me enough to let me in. I erased every woman from my life and never talked to any woman but you. Because I wanted to show you I was trustworthy.
I never gave you a reason to not trust me. I took really good care of you, never hurt you, never abused you, never left you, always comforted and provided everything you could ever want. You never gave me a reason why you left. Maybe me doing everything you asked was getting old. Or was it maybe because the amount of love that I showed you scared you. And you knew you could not repay it (even though you never needed to)? Or because you allowed someone behind your wall as I was doing everything to get through to you. Someone you liked before me… Which now leads to the question; why did you settle with me for two years? Everything was better than ever till you reappeared in his life.
She has never spoken badly about me to anyone since she left. I was hurt and don’t mean to speak badly about her, because I still love her. I shoulder all the blame so she won’t feel worthless. I am willing to take the burns so she is happy. After all I am the man. I got kicked out of college when they were going to kick her out. Because I begged for them to let her stay. That was the start of our relationship, so it’s only right I continue this way. For I don’t want her to feel hurt as I hurt.
To answer the age-old question “whose fault was it?” it was no ones. She got bored and left. That’s no ones fault in particular. But being the man I bare the burden. For work became stressful and consumed my life for two months. I was exhausted, had no energy, no time, no money, lost my appetite for quiet a bit in this time. But always reassured her of my love, and was always there to comfort and support no matter what. Two years three months, it all ended. . . She is happy, that’s all I care for, even though another kisses her goodnight, she is happy….
A Year is only a Minute, but two seems like a lifetime…
to think you know is not to know, when the smallest nuances become something of a familiarity. But that familiarity becomes a bitter taste of unfamiliar thoughts.